A Politically Correct Fairy Tale


The following is a wee little tale that conforms to the concept of "Politically Correct", or PC, language and thought. It tells no particular story nor does it have much of a moral to discover. Rather it is a tale used as an example of the language being changed in hopes of improving society as opposed to working towards meaningful enhancement in our lives by altering the underlying causes such as poverty, a poor education, racism and all of the other ills prevalent today. As you read it, don't feel adrift in the insanity of words. You know I wouldn't leave you to try to decipher this alone, now don't you. I'll provide a translation later in this article. Are we ready to bathe in the waters of fuzzy thinking, using the lather of the division of the sexes? (Yeah, I know that doesn't make much sense but let's forget it and move on, shall we?!?)

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, lived the Black King and his two daughters.

One, whom we'll call Princess Felicity, was so beautiful and kind that all of the forest creatures would come visit her whenever she sat in the garden near the moat.

The other daughter, who will be named Muddybutt for the purposes of this tale, was about as ugly as a girl can get and still be thought of as human. I mean to tell you, this Princess Muddybutt was so awful and repulsive that neither the King nor Princess Felicity had allowed their eyes to fall upon her and had kept her locked in her private room since soon after she was born. In fact, the only animal who would come out of the forest when she was near was the Dung Beetle, but we all know why don't we?!?

Anyway, one day, as the King and Princess Felicity sat on the castle's patio playing a game, Princess Muddybutt escaped from her room and came waddling into the view of her family. Trying mightily to hold back their gag reflexes, the King and the Princess ran from the patio, into the courtyard and out over the drawbridge. From the field beside the moat, they shouted for the guards to restrain Princess Muddybutt and escort her back to her room. Naturally, none of the guards could come near enough to Princess Muddybutt to touch her and they all ran away in fright and horror.

All of them, that is, but one brave and handsome soldier named Captain Unctuous. Long ago he had realized that even his greatly admired profile and bulging muscles would never be enough to distract Princess Felicity from the love she displayed for her passionate and dreamy gazes into any mirror at hand. No, Captain Unctuous knew that his ambition to be King could never be realized through the far more beautiful but self-absorbed Princess Felicity. Knowing the opportunity of a lifetime when it arose, the Captain swallowed hard and marched bravely to the side of the ugly Princess Muddybutt. Standing before her, he softly spoke to her. "The time has finally come, dear Princess. For all of your life your family has kept you locked in seclusion, away from the eyes of all others. They told you that it was because of your heinous looks but we both know better don't we your Highness?!?"

The Princess was shocked into silence. Never before had anyone spoken so kindly to her and, certainly, never before had anyone hinted that her imprisonment could have been for any reason but her horrid appearance.

"Tell me more, good gentleman", she urged. "What other reason could there have been for my many years away from the sight of others? Why else would my own family cage me and not allow any others to share even words with me?"

"Ah, my Princess", the guard whispered, "it was only to allow your sister to meet and choose from the handsomest of the realm's men without the competition that someone of your blinding beauty would present."

"Now, sweet Princess, you have accidentally brought about the very best chance you have of escaping forever from the bonds that those two evil creatures bound you with. Have the guards raise the drawbridge before your family can cross back over to the castle. This opportunity will never present itself again. Leave them out there, Princess, and the realm will be yours forever."

Princess Muddybutt wasted no further time. She ordered the drawbridge raised and all of the entrances to the castle sealed. Her father and sister begged for their very lives as it was well known that the dragon of the forest would eat all who ventured forth after the setting of the sun. Their current plight was no different and, before the sun had completely vanished behind the hills, they were just another meal to the ferocious monster.

The Princess took the guard, as it should always be even in foul fairy tales such as this, as her husband and king. It was only then, after the ceremony when he entered the strange room, now the bridal chamber, that had never seen a visitor, that the guard let slip the reason that he, and only he, could fact the Princess so daringly. You see, gentle souls, he was blind.

And they lived happily ever after. Well, that isn't exactly true, you understand, but the tale is one not meant for the ears nor the eyes of the squeamish so it must wait for another day.

Very well, gentle readers. That may be one of the worst fairy tale you have ever heard and I cannot apologize enough for making you wade through such tripe. Nevertheless, it will be far better that what I will now subject you to. Read on, if you dare (more sounds of maniacal laughter from afar)!

Once upon a time, in a realm far, far away, lived the Sun Person Monarch and cos two female children.

One pre-woman, whom we'll call pre-queen Felicity, was more media encouraged average in appearance than many and more able to achieve beneficial exchanges between other carbon-based life forms that some so much so that all of the nonhuman beings would abandon their arboreal safety in order to satisfy her need for animal companions.

The other pre-woman , whom will be named pre-queen Muddybutt for the purposes of this tale, was about as cosmetically different as a pre-woman can get and still be mentally engaged in a symbolic manner as hufem. I intend to relate to you, this pre-queen Muddybutt was so below average in acceptance by the norm and visually deficient that neither the Sun Person Monarch nor pre-queen Felicity had allowed their video processing organs to fall upon tem and had kept her imprisoned in her solo occupied area ever since her escape from the womb enclosure of tem female brooder. In fact, the only nonhuman creature who would come out of the arboreal area when tem was near was the victim of speciesistic dualism, the fauna processed food beetle.

Anyway, one day, as the Sun Person Monarch and pre-queen Felicity sat on the abode of the inbred oppressor's patio acting in a child-like manner, pre-queen Muddybutt exposed her immediate desire for freedom from the oppressor's confinement and moved differently into sight of her genetic equivalents. Attempting not to reveal their pre-bipedal nature by ejecting their stomach contents, the Sun Person Monarch and the pre-queen of above average appearance ran from the patio, into the courtyard of the oppressor's abode and out over the drawbridge. From the soil tilled by the oppressed humyns and hufems of the realm, the Sun Person Monarch and the pre-queen felicity shouted for the oppressor's henchtems to again illegally detain pre-queen Muddybutt and force cos back into confinement.

In alignment with Mother Earth, none of the oppressor's henchtems could come near enough to pre-queen Muddybutt to physically accost cos and tems all ran away in fright and horror.

All of tems, that is, but one confidence enhanced and above the media encouraged average in appearance mercenary named Captain Unctuous. Long ago tey realized that even his profile which was accepted by the masses as being of above average and tey muscle enhanced body would never be sufficient to attract by physical guile pre-queen Felicity from the self-interest in oneself that co displayed for self-absorption in the use of tey visual organs to gaze at a reflective surface. No, Captain Unctuous knew that tey desire of improved conditions to be Monarch could never be realized through the far more self-interested pre-queen felicity. Knowing the opportunity of a the many orbital cycles allotted to a particular individual who tey visualized it appeared, the Captain swallowed hard and stepped in a military manner to the side of the beauty challenged pre-queen Muddybutt. Placing his tey body before co, tey whispered softly to co. "The time has finally arrived, term of oppression pre-queen. For all of your life tey genetic equivalents has imprisoned tey away from the visual organs of all cos. misinformed tey that the imprisonment was due to appearance of below the media accepted norm yet cos have a higher awareness, don't cos."

The pre-queen was shocked in a non-verbal state. Never before had cos elucidated mental images so manipulatively to tey and, certainly, never before had cos referenced obliquely that tey imprisonment could been for any reason but her beauty deficient appearance.

"Speak further to tey, non-aggressive oppressor who appears to have been well taught in the area of using manners to manipulate wymin,"tey urged. "What other excuse for actions could there have been for tey many, many solar cycles away from the visual area of cos?" Why else would tey own genetically similar unit imprison tey and not allow any cos to share even vocalizations with tey?"

"Ah, tey manipulatable pre-queen," the oppressor whispered, "It was only to allow tey pre-queen lookism survivor sibling to mate-shop through all of the realm's penile equipped humyns without the market driven challenges that tey great beauty advantage would present."

Now, sugar enhanced maniputible pre-queen, tey have by non-choice brought about the most opportune augmented occasion tey have of removing oneself from the oppressions that cos decency challenged carbon based units enslave tey with. Have the cos oppressors elevate the drawbridge before cos genetically similar units can cross back over to the oppressor's abode. This opportunity will never present cos-self again. Leave cos out there, pre-queen, and the oppressor's realm will be tey forever."

Pre-queen Muddy butt wasted no further time. Tey ordered the drawbridge elevated and all entranced to the oppressor's abode sealed. Cos pre-birth sperm source and tey genetically similar, womb advantaged sibling employed manipulative voices to alter the pre-queens choice of actions regarding the now shortened span of solar cycles left to cos because knowledge of the differently evolved creature afflicted with the bane of animalistic lookism deficiency of the arboreal area tey ingested all bipedal carbon based life forms still without roof after the solar systems central star was eclipsed by the rotation of the planet Gaia. A similar occurrence befell cos and cos were pre-feces material before the orbital obscuration happened.

The pre-queen took the oppressor's henchhumyn, as all such manipulative and nasally offensive tales, as tey legalized rapist and monarch. It was only then, after the sexual slavery ritual, that the humyn oppressor invaded the pre-queen's previously unsoiled by humyn or womyn cell that the oppressor consciously revealed the tey, and only tey could offend the pre-queen by presenting tey body before co. Tey visually comprehend, tey was visually inconvenienced.

And cos existed in a elated state of consciousness ever after. Well, that isn't exactly presented as reality, tey visualize, but the tale is one not meant for the aural organs nor the optic organs of the nausea prone so it must wait for another orbit of Gaia.

I'm not kidding, gentle readers. This is, generally, how the language police would have us speak and write in order that we "offend" the fewest people. The idea that I, myself, may be extremely offended at being forced to employ such nonsense in order to relate information doesn't seem to have crossed the seemingly small and ill-used meat that resides, superfluous, between their aural organs.

I can nearly understand the desire to alter the truly offensive behaviors that too often occur in our society. What I cannot abide, however, is the hatred of men ("referred to as "oppressors" or "sexual predators" or, instead of husbands, "legalized rapists")and the rage that is exhibited towards all titles and actions of those who the PC crowd finds offensive. Instead of trying to change the language in such contorted and, yes, offensive ways why not expend all of that effort toward working for a true equality between the sexes and the races of mankind (I know, un-PC) and to create a world where all of us have the same rights and privileges and opportunities so that all can grow into a future of joy and laughter and contentment. Why not just shut up and get busy?!? (1)

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Copyright 4/19/99